The Report
by Calico Yorki
Summary: The Varia have to explain an incident to Xanxus immediately following said incident. The moral of the story is: Do not bring the Varia to a party unless you fully anticipate outbreaks of mass violene.


"... ... ..."

"... ... ..."

"... ... ..."

"...Xanxus-sama - "

"Shut the fuck up Belphegor."

"Yeah, shut u - "

"That goes double for you, Leviathan."

"Awww..."

"Alright. I want you imbeciles to explain something to me."

**"Hai, Xanxus-sama!"**

"Now, just humor me. Explain this to me as if I were a child, or severely drunk. Because I'm going to be getting _very_ drunk, _very_ soon to take the edge off of this headache."

**"Hai, Xanxus-sama!"**

"_Ghhh. All of you stop the fucking yelling. I just __**said**__ I have a headache."_

"...! Hai, Xanxus-sama."

"Huuuh. Thank you. Dumbasses."

"... ... ..."

"... ... ..."

"Alright. Explain to me why I'm holding a bag of ice to my head due to a crippling headache, why Belphegor's arm is in a sling made out of driftwood, why Leviathan has a bloody nose, and why Lussuria is crying in the corner. Squalo, you're my second -in-command and seem to lack serious injuries or mental trauma. Proceed."

"Hai, Xanxus-sama. As you know, the Varia were invited to accompany the Vongola Decimo and his Famiglia to a beach party - ...Though _why_ they wanted us along still escapes me..."

"Yes, I vaguely remember. Carry on."

"Well, I was sparring with the Rain Guardian brat...When...Well, when..."

"...I see you're getting angry, but proceed."

"Th...The...Rain Brat...That damned _motherfucking little prick had the __**gall**__..._"

"Superbia Squalo, now is the time to speak professionally or not speak at all."

"... ... ...!"

"Yamamoto-san cut his swordhand prosthetic off."

"_VOI!_ I'LL HAVE YOUR HEAD FOR THAT, LITTLE PIECE OF SHIT!"

"Ushishishi. Whaaatever."

"Okay, we know where it started. Leviathan, Belphegor, Squalo, in that order."

"...Once Squalo-san's arm was on the sand, Gokudera-san and Ryohei-san started laughing..."

"...Kyoya-san gave everyone involved a disgusted look...Tsunayoshi-san started running for his life...Reborn-san was yelling for him to come back and observe the relationship between the Vongola Famiglia proper and the Varia..."

"... ... ..."

"...Fuu. What happened next, Squalo? Just say it. I'm curious as to where the prosthetic got off to, anyways."

"...The little Cow-Brat threw a _grenade_ at it."

"...I'm fucking warning you. The Varia do not sulk."

"But - "

"The Varia. Do not. _Sulk_. If you wanted your arm back, you should've strapped on a pair and gone to where it landed."

"...That's precisely where the real problems arose, Xanxus-sama."

"...Eh?"

"The problems arose from where the arm landed. And...What it did while landing."

"...Elaborate."

"... ... ..."

"It sliced the cute little Mist Guardian girl's bikini top off."

"_GOD__**DAMMIT**__ BELPHEGOR!_"

"I still have a headache, Squalo. After that happened, what came next?"

"...Ryohei punched Lussuria so hard his favorite sunglasses were broken, Gokudera broke Belphegor's arm, the Rain Brat guided me to shelter after Lamborghini was sent flying by someone, both of his horns almost gouged my eyes out, and I was blinded temporarily..."

"...Thank you. Now, Leviathan, kindly explain how you got a bloody nose."

"...I was fishing next to the Mist Guardian. She picked up a conch shell and threw it."

"...And how did I get this headache, praytell?"

"...Kyoya-san growled something about 'An alpha male failing to control his pack' and brought both of his tonfas down on the back of your head while you were tinkering with the X-Guns."

"...I see. Interesting. There _do_ seem to be two spots that hurt worse than anywhere else."

"... ... ..."

"For Christ's sakes, Lussuria, you're a globally-feared assassin and you're blubbering over a pair of _broken sunglasses._"

"But...My girlfriend got them for me a long time ago."

"... ... ..."

"... ... ..."

"... ... ..."

"...Lussuria, as your commander, I will _not_ sit here and listen as you lie to me about your relationships outside of the Varia."

"What~? Whyever would you doubt me in my most dire of straits~?"

"Lussuria, tell Xanxus-sama your girlfriend's name."

"... ... ..."

"...Her name is Victor."

"... ... ..."

"... ... ..."

"... ... ..."

"Squalo, get me some damned tequila."

"Hai, Xanxus-sama."


End file.
